“Supreme Court Issues Secret Midnight Ruling; Trump’s Legal Team Reportedly ‘Pale, Silent, and Asking About Extradition’”…see more

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented late-night twist that has left the capital buzzing and cable news anchors blinking into sconces, the U.S. Supreme Court purportedly issued a sealed ruling around 2:03 a.m

Eastern that no one outside a tiny circle of clerks has seen.

Sources claiming to have “heard from someone who knows a guy who knows a clerk’s barista” say the document — stamped For Eyes of the Justices Only — contains language so explosive it has already upended legal strategies across multiple fronts.

At Trump Tower legal headquarters, attorneys were reportedly found this morning in an extended state of what onlookers describe as “pale, silent, and compulsively Googling ‘Can former presidents be extradited?’”

“They were just… staring at the blinking cursor,” one unnamed aide allegedly told an anonymous tipster. “One guy whispered, ‘Does the Constitution have a section on extradition for presidents or is that in the appendix?’ None of them had coffee. None.”

What the Midnight Ruling Allegedly Says
According to gossip filtering through various social media channels — each more confident than the last — the sealed opinion:

Rebukes a mystery lower court decision in a “manner not previously seen in American jurisprudence.”

Uses terms like “absolute cannot,” “disallowed with prejudice,” and “please stop asking.”

Mentions a cryptic footnote 42 that legal enthusiasts are now calling “the Midnight Clause.”

No official text has been released, and spokespeople for the Court remained unreachable — their phones reportedly wire-tapped by hawks and owls alike.

Capitol Hill Reacts With Bewildered Reverence
At the Capitol, legislators were briefly stunned into silence — a condition not seen since 1776 or the last time someone brought up legislative text with more than 12 pages.

Senate Minority Leader (fictionalized) “We have no comment beyond the fact that we might have a comment later. Or earlier. Time is weird.”

Trump’s Team in ‘Emergency Mode’
Inside Trump’s legal command center, aides described “a palpable sense of confusion, anxiety, and a mysterious craving for passport renewal forms.”

An unnamed lawyer was overheard saying:

“I mean, who knew the Supreme Court could seal something midnight style? I thought that was only in movies.”

Workers reportedly searched frantically for the phrase “Can a Supreme Court ruling require you to wear socks with sandals?” before someone suggested they just wait for the published opinion.

Public Reaction
Across social media, memes exploded:

“Did the Supreme Court just drop a mixtape?”

“If this ruling had a volume knob it would be at 11.”

“Someone check if the Supreme Court installed a secret trapdoor.”

What’s Next?
Legal analysts — in satire circles — propose:

The Court will eventually reveal its ruling when ready, maybe with fireworks.

Trump’s lawyers may start a GoFundMe for “Constitution Classes for Grown Ups.”

Historians will argue about the Midnight Ruling for decades, like they do about crop circles and avocado toast.